Secure attachment isn’t just about co-sleeping, breastfeeding and baby-wearing. Creating a securely attached child is about attuning to their needs. Yes, these practices help me intuit what my baby needs because I am in close contact with her, but it is my ability to attune to her that is supporting the secure bond between us and within her own sense of self.
My capacity for attunement arises from my ability to attune to my own self as well. It requires a fluency with my own system and to be able to be with the parts inside of me that need presence. I believe for parents to have the skill set of attunement means we have to have traversed our own inner terrain of psychological patterns, childhood wounding and distortions and be willing to continue to when we become a parent. And we need have developed our own emotional intelligence. I can’t give to my child what I haven’t given to myself. This is beyond the self-care of making sure I do things that keep me resourced, though I do believe that is important too. It’s me staying present to my own system and keeping my home (my body, mind, emotions and spirit) clear. I can’t give to her from an empty cup. If I’m distracted by my own process, it’s not about ignoring what’s going on for me, but presencing myself and getting support to be with what’s arising.
"My capacity for attunement arises from my ability to attune to my own self as well. It requires a fluency with my own system and to be able to be with the parts inside of me that need presence."
As I stay attuned to my own system, I naturally have an easier time attuning to her needs. And through the attunement to myself and her, she develops a secure bond with me, within herself and with the world. She has the direct experience of her needs being met and responded to, and of her emotions being understood and cared about, therefore resulting in her secure sense of self. For me this might be the most important foundational developmental component I can support her in. That, and her knowing that all is Love. That everything is made of love, all that arises can be met with love and we are all this infinite expanse of Love through and through, no matter what. Transmitting that truth to her requires my ability to meet all that arises within me with compassion and love as well.
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